BLACKMAILS, HOTNESS THEORIES, AND VIA'S FRIENDS



Via de Guzman: Eh ano ba naman iku-kwento ko tungkol kay Syd?!?!?

Hmmm… Via the matchmaker…

Pimping ain’t easy.

The whole thing started when I gave her a go-signal to look into my GF’s Friendster account. And yeah, the third thing… never let this guy into your way of thinking.

Geist: Ummm… that he is gay?
Via de Guzman: Ipapahamak ko ba si Syd????
Geist: Ummm… you could start with that.
Mark Villasin: Gamitin mo ang “creativity” mo!!
Geist: At least hindi magugulat si Cindy kasi you are doing her a favor.
Mark Villasin: Tapos kami na bahala sa evidence…
Geist: Fuck, I’m so evil!
Via de Guzman: Tama na nga! Friend ko si Syd! Wala ako gagawing ikasasama niya!

While reading this… na-touch ako sa mga comments ni Via…

Geist: True ba yan?
Via de Guzman: Pero alam mo, ganung bago pa lang, desperate for info siguro yan about sa BF niya. Tungkol sa nakaraan... kung pano siya dati…

Biglang UMURONG luha ko.

Geist: So ganun ka pala nung kay Mike? Well I met Cindy and I don’t think na ganun siya.

*sniff*

AT dahil diyan hindi ko na ilalagay ang pangalan mo sa blogsite ko para hindi ka na habulin ng mga pinagtataguan mo.

Via de Guzman: Well good.
Geist: Kasi di naman niya mababawi ang mga pagkakamali na kanyang nagawa!
Via de Guzman: Yan ang akala niyo!!!
Mark Villasin: HELMET!!!!

Insert diabolical laughter.

Who needs enemies ‘pag kaibigan mo ‘to!?!?!?!?!

MOVING ON…

I didn’t actually witness but I got reports almost a year back on how Via plays cupid on her friends.

Flashback!

A year ago, when I was single and less fatter (I was overly hot then),

jorgecosgayon: Tsk! May hot friend si Via! Kagabi ko lang nakilala!
The Sydman: How hot?
jorgecosgayon: Well… hmm… that's hard. Ano ba standard measure naten?
The Sydman: 30 % face, 15% boobs, 15% ass, and 40 kalogness*.

* Ang Salazar’s Technical Institute of Gwapology’s Theory of “Hotness for Women”.

jorgecosgayon: Hmmm sa face, cute sya so 23%. Sa boobs ‘di ko napansin seriously!
The Sydman: 23 + 0…

Ano… huhusgahan niyo ba ang theory ko?

jorgecosgayon: So gawin natin average na 7.5%. Ass ‘di ko din napansin so 7.5%. Kalogness… 40%...
The Sydman: 40% ang kalogness niya??

Apart from the awesome physical presence, we boys believe that hotter chicks comprise of beauty and brains (brains with the intent that she’ll earn for you) and KINKINESS.

Kalog girls are hotter because this means they are also kinky.

Beauty without brains is straining. Beauty and brains could be snobbish. Beauty and brains and kinkiness is like superbly awesome!

jorgecosgayon: Oo pare!
The Sydman: 38 + 40 = 78. Nasa 8 siya??? Well, here's an un-bonus question: Saan siya nakatira at pano siya magsalita?
jorgecosgayon: Hmm… taga-Makati yata siya so ouch. Sobrang ouch. Pag magsalita, hmmm…
The Sydman: Sosyal, normal, palengkera, may Visayan accent, matining. If she's an artista sino kamukha niya?
jorgecosgayon: Hmmm… may hating sosyal na normal kasi nag i-Ingles pero ‘di konyotic! At pare feeling ko, we could talk for hours!
The Sydman: So did you get her number?

Cybersilence.

jorgecosgayon: Dude I was gonna… really… pero I got to think e. Pano to, uuwi na din ako. Unfair sa kanya, panget din sa akin.

Hmmm…







Woot??

The Sydman: YOU ARE NOT A MAN! Why make love suffer? Jive kayo, right? You're like Jericho Rosales in Forevermore but you're the ugly version.
jorgecosgayon: Fuck! That's like the corniest line you've ever said. Oh screw you repeatedly and with vigor!
The Sydman: You're the corniest line I have ever said! For the team... you didn't get the number for the team!!!
jorgecosgayon: What team?! I can always ask for it later!

As of November 27, 2008… he has yet.

The Sydman: That's “afraid” talk.
jorgecosgayon: Says the “Father of afraid talk”. Pero dude hindi sosi! Well… didn't strike me as such. Anyway parang ‘di pretentious so medyo ok. Kinda short though…
The Sydman: Dude cute kaya ang mga petite chicks.
jorgecosgayon: Well, ‘di sya petite, really more like short. Mga 5'2? Parang kasing height ni Via ata…
The Sydman: Hindi naman parang tinapyas ang leeg?
jorgecosgayon: Ay hinde…
The Sydman: Mukhang ulo tapos diretso balikat?

This prompted to scour information from THE source.

The Sydman: Ano tong nababalitaan ko?? May kinuwento si Jorge! Grrr... nagtatampo ako!
Via de Guzman: Alin yung inuman? Hindi ko naman alam number mo no!
The Sydman: Andaming excuses! Weh! Tinanong ko kay Jorge at according sa aming hotness scale ay nasa 8 siya!
Via de Guzman: Haha friend ko? Type ba ni Jorge? Haha naku masama palang sabihin na naaliw sya kay Jorge! Tsk, tsk! Baka mapa-ibig na naman si Jorge nang hindi sinasadya.


And in an instant, a conference chat spawned.

jorgecosgayon: SYD YOU PRICK!
The Sydman: Spill.
Via de Guzman: Meet Syd.
jorgecosgayon: Ako di mo introduce?
Via de Guzman: Mag-bespren na nga kayo hindi ba??
jorgecosgayon: Introduce mo pa din. Shy ako eh.
Via’s Friend: Hi bes! Sup bes!

I think this means “Hi best friend! What’s up best friend!” or… some sort of Bahasa saying which means "I have balls".

And I could be seriously wrong.

Via de Guzman: I feel something here. The air is getting warm…
Via’s Friend: Baka namatay aircon mo?
jorgecosgayon: Stop it, kinikilig ako!
Via de Guzman: Syd, you were saying something about a rating?
The Sydman: Spill out the beef.
jorgecosgayon: Anong beef?
The Sydman: Jorge, you're the beef.
Via de Guzman: Kasi Syd was saying something kanina about a 'rating' something. Parang 7 yata… or 9 ba?
The Sydman: Well, its better if we hear it from the horse's mouth.
Via’s Friend: Excuse me? Si Syd ba ay lalaki or babae?

I hate Via’s friend.

jorgecosgayon: Well that's debatable…
Via de Guzman: He’s a semi…
The Sydman: VIA LABAS! Oops. Loko lang. Old habits.
Via de Guzman: I wasn’t the first one who called you that! Jorge, ikaw ha…
jorgecosgayon: ANONG AKO!?! I’m a byutipul butterfly remember?

He’s not. More like a rabid bat… or a man that looks like a vagina…

The Sydman: Via... I hope Mike will lose all of his gay benefactors...
Via de Guzman: Fine with me kasi nandon pa rin naman ang mga dirty old women niya!
Via’s Friend: Nakakatawa si Syd.
The Sydman: Mas nakakatawa si Jorge.
Via de Guzman: Why do I find this soooooooooooo funny?

Then we three talk about Jorge’s “Farewell Tour”. It was kinda lengthy and we ended up talking about something that needs not to be named.

The Sydman: Dalhin ko si Edson? The adorable mongoloid? Subukan ko. Pero that crazy mofo mustn't get drunk. Or else kasi... como se dice "satan in a tight fit cutaway haltertop" en Espanol? Dude asan na yung friend ni Via?
Via de Guzman: You drove her away. Wala daw siyang maintindihan sa pinaguusapan niyo.
The Sydman: O sige, we'll talk "girly" stuffs.
Via de Guzman: Yeah well, talk about shoes, the coolest hangout places…

It’s like we’re going to do QTV’s version of The Man Show called Livin’ It Up with Tim Yap and Raymond Gutierrez.

The Sydman: So nakapunta na kayo sa Boutique ni Monique? Kapag lalake ka, magbabayad ka ng 100 pero sukli mo 1000? Tapos may libre ka pang maong…

End of flashback!

So what’s new exactly 400 DAYS LATER?

Lupit no?

Actually hindi talaga 400 days… pero superbly maangas siguro kung ganon no?

Via de Guzman: Masasabi ko na MOST girls are curious about their BF’s old flames.
Geist: So ikaw… Naging super curious ka ba noong start niyo ni Mike?
Mark Villasin: Hindi nga sila naguusap kapag magkatabi e…
Via de Guzman: Actually, lahat ng mga nakausap ko or baka lahat lang ng nakausap ko ay maraming insecurities.
Mark Villasin: Ayokong magkwento!!

Via said this: “Masasabi ko na MOST girls are curious about their BF’s old flames.”

What’s with Mark?

Geist: Via sana walang old flames. Mahirap na.
Via de Guzman: Quiet na nga!
Geist: So marami ka palang alam kay Syd?
Via de Guzman: Ano naman alam ko? Isang ex lang alam ko. Ni hindi ko pa nga alam ang full story eh. Tama na! This is invasion of privacy! Baka nai-irita na si Syd!
Geist: Wala yun! Anything na i-feed mo sa blog niya gagawin niya!

Well actually the alternative name of Snapshots is invasion of privacy…

… and if you’re seeing this on my blog then I’m just a very, very creepy attention whore.

Via de Guzman: Ahhh… okay. So, sa susunod ikaw naman?
Geist: Never!
Via de Guzman: Kase mga “under the radar” yata kayo eh. Si Syd lang kasi ang alam ako.

There was a time when I almost mailed my story to Maalaala Mo Kaya.

But due to network loyalty, I’ll just send this to Dear Friend.

Ika nga ni Jorge… chuvachoochoo.

He is that gay.

Geist: Buti sana kung may papakilala ka! Kung meron, edi may kwento ka na!
Via de Guzman: May BF?
Geist: Hindi naman ako seloso.

He’s just kinky.

Via de Guzman: Pwede ba may anak? Although walang BF…
Geist: Okay lang Via. Father figure naman ako eh!

Let’s see if anything happens to this conversation after 400 days!

END.

2 comments:

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    ReplyDelete
  2. NAGKAROON TO NG SPAM ALMOST A YEAR AFTER ITS AWESOME POSTAGE!?!?!

    ASTIG!!!!

    ReplyDelete