TITS AND ASS: THE BAD VERSION



Case in point… last March 11, 2009, I received two contrasting emails. One was a .doc file while the other was a notepad file. Different files… but the excerpts are similar.

I think both are eager to ask me who is OWNING who in this conversation.

Acting as one, let us journey the lines and statements uttered in this never-ending battle for primeval supremacy.

First of all, here are my Top Ten Francis Magalona songs of all time.

TAYO’Y MGA PINOY
MGA PRANING
MAHIWAGANG KAMOTE
BALIKTAD ANG MUNDO
BAW WAW WAW
FRIENDS
GOTTA LET YOU KNOW
ITO ANG GUSTO KO
THREE STARS AND THE SUN
WAG KANG TUMAWA
1-800-NINETY-SIX
HANGGANG NGAYON (From the 1896 album where he rapped in the middle part)
BAHAY YUGYUGAN
WHOLE LOTTA LOVIN’
COLD SUMMER NIGHTS
MERON AKONG ANO
KABATAAN PARA SA KINABUKASAN
SUPERPROXY
GIRL BE MINE
MGA KABABAYAN
KALEIDOSCOPE WORLD

You might think that I’m dumb because I can’t count to ten… but the fact is, It’s kinda hard to discount the fact that the Master Rapper was awesome in all the songs he did. I am guessing I’ll be searching for a compilation album bearing these songs in a year or so.

FM… may you rap in peace in heaven forever.

Anyway after the long-awaited FM tribute…

I have been working. Like shit. My ass has not yet played a single “Soul Arena” for almost a week now. Luckily I am trying to re-learn all the slacking I have been doing but the last week was a mess.

Fortunately my YM was quiet most of the time. I still encounter shits like these…

williamsuperpogi: Anong gagawin mo pag tinubuan ka ng tite sa kilikili mo?

The Sydman: Ewan ko.

williamsuperpogi: Ok.

Seriously this guy needs to have his brain cells… or his to sharpen his dick skills stat! Anyway, like I said, things are usually quiet.

But just because work is eating my life off, this does not mean that chaos has ended its wrathful ways.

Case in point… last March 11, 2009, I received two contrasting emails. One was a .doc file while the other was a notepad file. Different files… but the excerpts are similar.

I think both are eager to ask me who is OWNING who in this conversation.

Acting as one, let us journey the lines and statements uttered in this never-ending battle for primeval supremacy.

I’m pretty much going to commentate on this one.

Jorge Cosgayon: Dude. What the fuck? Ano problema mo kay Nicholas Sparks?

mark villasin: HE WASTED MY TEARS!!! HE MUST DIE!!!


I don’t know who Nicholas Sparks is but I guess he’s some guy in a boy band Mark is drooling upon. Before I read his profile in Wikipedia, I think he just announced to the world that he is gay and Mark is about to rip all of his poster wearing just a ribbon and a tumbler.

I consider this as his George Michael fantasy phase…

Jorge Cosgayon: Dude naman. How can you say that "Every step I took from the moment I could walk was a step towards finding you"?

Jorge is defending Sparks. For some pin-up homosexual boy band member, this Sparks guy has a lot of followers.

mark villasin: DO YOU KNOW HOW PRECIOUS A COMMODITY MAN TEARS ARE??? HE MADE ME WASTE MAN TEARS!! HE WILL FIND A BLUNT OBJECT STABBED THRU HIS FOREHEAD!!

Jorge Cosgayon: Dude mali assumption mo because you are not a man.

*Printscreen*

By the way, I now know who this Sparks guy is and I must retract all of my previous statements. For the guy, whose big screen adaptations of his stories made a lot of women crying to every man’s shoulders… how can you NOT revere this guy?

I am eager to see True Believer and At First Sight when it hits the cinemas because I didn’t have a girlfriend when The Notebook, Message in a Bottle, and Nights of Rodanthe played in the big screen.

But I saw A Walk to Remember… via a pirated DVD copy… watching it with my parents…

Fuck.

mark villasin: YOU ARE AN ASS SO THEREFORE IT IS SAFE FOR YOU TO ASSUME!!!

Jorge Cosgayon: LOL. Tagal kong di na gets yun ha. Ganon ka korni ang hirit na yon. Even I found it non-funny.

mark villasin: GANUN DIN KABAGAL ANG PROCESSING NG ASS BRAIN MO BECAUSE I FIND YOU AS AN ASS!!!

*printscreen*

Jorge Cosgayon: Dude you find asses everywhere coz you're not a man.

*printscreen*

Damn it! I’m like a table tennis umpire!

mark villasin: THE POINT IS YOUR AN ASS!

Jorge Cosgayon: And you're gay… gay… gay… GAY… GAY!!! MAS BADING KA PA KAY DITTY!!!


Hmmm… I wonder how fast could Ditty swim to Capiz to extract pain and suffering to Jorge?

mark villasin: OMG A TALKING ASS! STOP TALKING ASS!!! ASSES FART AND DON'T TALK SO STOP FARTING!!!

Jorge Cosgayon: And you're the one talking to an ass! I'm a miracle! You're a moron!


Jorge admits he’s an ass? Jorge is leading here.

mark villasin: NO. YOU’RE… JUST… AN… ASS!!!

Jorge Cosgayon: I am an “ass miracle”!

mark villasin: WHICH MAKES YOU AN ASS!!!

Jorge Cosgayon: Dammit Mark, stop fantasizing about me!!!


*printscreen*

Seriously JORGE is OWNING MARK!!!

Jorge Cosgayon: I get enough of that from Syd!

And he could have won IF HE DIDN’T MENTION MY NAME!!!

mark villasin: BIG DIFF ASS!

Jorge Cosgayon: O ano? Wala maisip? I win!!!


mark villasin: YOU ARE STILL AN ASS!

Jorge Cosgayon: You still looooo-hoooooose, looooo-hoooooserrrr!!!

Jorge channelling Pauly Shore is golden.

mark villasin: FIRST I’M GAY NOW A LOSER? WOW…

Mark admits he’s gay and a loser? Don’t worry. I’ll still be your friend.

mark villasin: AT LEAST YOU’RE STILL AN ASS!

Jorge Cosgayon: Gays ARE losers! You are a subclass of gays!


Err… I won’t agree in this statement because I work in the entertainment industry where gays work inside offices and huge cubicles while the men are lucky to not work as set designers (taga-pinta ng set), messengers, propsmen, and technical assistants (taga-buhat ng mga gamit during location shoots).

Admit it people, you’ll respect Jorge even more if people call him “Mudrah” where he wears a black fat girl blouse and super-stretchable leggings, tells people to call him “Madam Reynang Diyosa” and tries to put streaks in his hair and curls it a la Barbra Streisand!

But sorry Mark, if you’re gay then I shall probably see you as the dirty beautician in the kanto wearing bakya and pink sando and pehpeh shorts who is telling people gossips about his neighbour and frequently gets huthutized by kanto boys, lasenggos, durugistas, and macho dancers.

Did I tell you I said sorry?

mark villasin: DID I MENTION THAT DOES NOT CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU’RE AN ASS? YOU HAVE GAY ON YOUR SURNAME, ASS! WHAT DOES THAT MAKE YOU?

Jorge Cosgayon: OMG. That's it. Kaya ka galit kay Nicholas Sparks! You’re a homophobic gay loser!

mark villasin: ASS!

Jorge Cosgayon: Tama na nga yan! Napapansin na akong giggle ng giggle dito! Baka pagalitan nako ng pari!

mark villasin: I HOPE YOU GET SPANKED!

Jorge Cosgayon: Baket? Fantasy mo?


*printscreen*

Analysis: Despite the odds that should go in favor of Mark because Jorge is a turd, Cosgayon rules because being an ass has been part of his repertoire since the time he spoke. As a consolation to Mark, here’s a pic of someone gayer than you.

Observe the smirk on the guy in the middle. Now imagine your “still inside the closet because he should be respected” professor.

Yeah… see what I mean?

Until my next instalment, SURF PORN!

0 Comments:

Post a Comment