TAGAY SA TANAUAN!


I have been dehydrated these last few days.

Why?

a) Bad Shit due to overalcohol?
b) Bad Shit due to eating bad food?
c) Bad Shit due to eating actual shit?

Read on.


Hours after the awesome party I attended, me and my dad went to Batangas to make sundo my mother. My mother went to Batangas recently alongside my balikbayan uncle (set to return in July) and my balikbayan aunt (who has since returned to the US) where they went to see their land in Mindoro… and then they went to Boracay before going back to Batangas.

I treated my dad to a breakfast at Jollibee (South Super Hiway branch).

And his order?

“Yung pinakamahal.”

Darn.

We arrived in Sulpoc (a barrio in Tanauan, Batangas) around 10am where I was greeted by my balikbayan uncle, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews. The extended family was in full throttle. There I saw Mark, my tag team partner when, years back, we used to go out and visit the Calamba nightlife without any adult supervision or permission. He is now training and is at the final stages of being a cop. After mingling with my aunts, Mark asked me to join him in accomplishing chores. After we picked up a huge bilao of bibingka, Mark asked me if I had money to buy a case of beer. Yes, in Batangas, it was rare for people to drink San Mig Light. Alfonso, Emperador, and Fundador alongside the typical gin bulag were amongst the favorites of the locale but I don’t like drinking hard so this was pleasing for me.

But yes, believe it or not I was still wasted from the June 13 Drinking Spree so I had to hide afterwards.

Coincidentally, there was another party going on as the cousin’s house adjacent to our ancestral home had girls singing wastedly. Don’t bother thinking if they are hot because I did not see them. All I know is that Mark reported that they were drinking a mix of Red Horse, Ginebra, and Coke. I don’t know what this is called but I hope it sounds something that is “tolerable”.

And yeah, they rented a videoke machine (this is perceived as a great source of income for people living in barrios).

Anyway, while sleeping, I heard a very annoying shriek. It came from the videoke machine. Who F’N knew, that Spoliarium had shrieking verses??? Damn who ever was singing because it forced me to wake up and meet Mark, my older cousin Kuya Oyet, and a bunch of distant cousins for a drinking spree!

This happened while it was a little over 12 in the afternoon.

Ey si-yah, ke kasaya na naman di-neh!

I remember the years before the detection of my bad liver when I would sit in the drinking bench and act out wasted for me to get out of that place. My cousins applaud me because I drink Emperador without a hint of chaser, which is more often than not… is faucet water. The truth is I just can’t stand the taste of hard drinks that filling me up of more liquid could make me barf. Anyway, the beer that I bought was poured in a pitcher were Mark would tagay to us.

Damn right, you read it here.

Yes… ang beer ay pwedeng itagay.

TAGAY!!!





If you look at the videos, you’ll see the overabundance of spirit while the beer is poured. I don’t know if you can notice it but the bag of ice we used here still has plastic. When the ice melts and become tubig with color, Mark would just throw it in some random direction. Plus any unfortunate guy merely walking in some direction that crossed our paths will be taken and held hostage until he drinks some of our beverage.

Did I mention that they open beer bottles via their teeth?

And when we urinate we had to choose if we would face the kubo where the non-urinators had the unfortunate vision of a silhouette of someone peeing… or, face away from the kubo where we could see the highway and the cars that are driving in it?

The tagay was fast and furious and we were smoking like hell.





Then my mother walked in.

I was lucky to have my head not emitting smoke when she came and my cousin threw my yosi in a different, downward direction. When she entered the “Kubo”, she saw me carrying the camera. Actually it was my cousin’s ploy to expose my smoking. She borrowed the camera and she took a picture of me. Luckily the picture was crappy and never exposed anything but she had bad timing. Her other plan was swell, as she led my godkids to my mom’s lap and dragged her to our direction. She asked me if I could take pictures of her and her grandkids.

I said yes… obviously.

I felt glee at the first glance of rain because that made my non-drinking and goody-two-shoes relatives move away from the “kubo”.

And then we heard nothing.

Remember the girls that sung awfully? Well… they left. I went to relieve myself in an actual CR, and when I got back, the girls left. Luckily they didn’t leave crying because I think my cousins saw them and drunken men waving at rural girls riding a tricycle could never be pretty. Anyway, we went to the house where the videoke was in and we sang. The problem is, we ran out of beer. The guy living in the house happily pointed to a couple of gin bulags underneath the drinking table. Call me maarte but I went to Mark and told him that I have an unwritten rule with regards to drinking multiple types of alcohol.





So went and buy another case of beer.

And yes, it was a little over 2 o’clock in the afternoon.

Kuya Julius, Kuya Oyet’s older brother who was going in and out of the drinking table for the lone sake of singing, went over to us at around 4:30 to fetch me because my parents wanted to go to Los Banos. Here’s the thing: every time we go back to Manila from visiting my Batangas folks, we head to Los Banos to swim in the hot springs. The springs we go to had red rocks underneath it and Stabilo Boss-sized fish reside and it would eat the dry skin in your body. It never happened though, because I was snoring at the back of our car.

I wasn’t really drunk though. Here is the clip of me saying bye-bye to my aunts, cousins and their kids:



We arrived at our house nearly three hours later. The trip was fast because aside from the missed hot springs trip, we skipped the usual gas station stopover. We came home at around nine and the first thing I did was lie on the sofa. Hell I even saw the dismay attempt of Purefoods to advance in the 2009 PBA Fiesta Cup Semifinal series! I was hungry came 10pm and I made beef ramen.

Then I called an uwak fifteen minutes later.

Now, what the hell is an uwak?

You go to the CR. You face the toilet bowl. And then you cry…

UUUUUWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

My stomach has been bummed out ever since.

You had been Sydrified.

Game over.

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