The Hardcore Chronicles: Episode 1 (September 2, 2009)

DISCLAIMER: I am a wrestling fan since birth. When boys collected G.I. Joes and Transformers, I collected WWF toys. My favorite toys include Mr. Perfect, Roddy Piper, Honky Tonk Man, and The Undertaker. The highlight of my collection was when my Dad made me a wrestling ring made of wood and rubber bands. Before I understood hardcore matches, I was making up underwater (lababo), jungle (mom’s veggie garden), and monster matches (wrestlers versus my dogs… or fighting inside an aquarium). Hell, I even climb my double-deck floor and throw my toys to the floor where the wrestling ring was on, complete with a fallen guy bruised and battered. I guess this is why most of my figures are either headless, armless, or the action move they are making is inaccessible because the springs inside are destroyed by water.

Anyway, my biggest frustration is writing wrestling storylines. Hell, I know wrestling (or sports entertainment) is fake, but it is the storylines that thrill me.

If I am a head writer this is the way I will write a wrestling show.

Why are some of the names altered? Let’s just say that this “parody” needs to have a legal life.

EPISODE 1 (SEPTEMBER 2, 2009)


Mann Hardly accompanied by Jazz Hardly head down to the ring. They tell the fans that a 10-man battle royale will take place, and the top two finishers will slug it out to own the biggest prize of the company… which is the “Most Awesome Belt” (currently looking for better name). Luckily for the other competitors, he will not participate. Jazz asks Mann why he isn’t participating. Mann could only other “Wala lang… trip lang”. Then…

If you smeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllllll… Chocotuna comes out wearing an unbuttoned polo shirt and wrestling trunks. He then steps to the ring and posed for the crowd. Mann starts to speak but Chocotuna cuts him. He tells Mann to listen as his fans chant his name. “Yucky” chants from the crowd and Chocotuna angrily cuts them. He tells the people that they should respect him since he is their champion! Crowd boos at this statement. Chocotuna then calls them all “roody poos” then looks at Mann to suggest something: He wants the belt and the people want him to have the belt!

Then glass breaks!

Estong Cold comes out with a swagger. Then he asks the crowd (with a very thick Chinese accent) if they want to see him stomp a mudhole on Chocotuna’s body. At this point the Hardly Boyz has left the ring. Estong Cold tells Chocotuna that he will win the battle royale because Estong Cold says so. Chocotuna asks Estong Cold who he is. Before Estong Cold could say anything Chocotuna answers “It doesn’t matter what your name is”. All of a sudden Estong Cold gives him the finger and gives him the Estong Cold Stunner. Chocotuna drops dazed on the floor. Estong celebrates by drinking beer.

Backstage, Diva Tista is with G.I. Jokla asking him what’s his strategy in the Battle Royale. Then he begins to rap.

Yo, yes yes yo.
Yo, yes yes yo.
Lahat kayo ay mga gago kaya ako ang mananalo!
Yo, yes yes yo.

Diva tells her that she’s partly clueless but that was the worst RAP she has ever heard. Before Jokla could say anything, Chocotuna enters the frame. Chocotuna tells him that he’s the Raw Ass from Roxas! He is the Bimbo from Kalibo! He is the Kinky from Antique! How dare Estong Cold put his hands on the “Choco One”! If he sees him in the Battle Royale, he will take his finger, shine it really, really nice and put it on his candy…

Then Estong Cold creeps behind him, turns him around and sets him up for ANOTHER Stunner! With him is the Unmachoman.

Estong Cold leaves. Unmachoman looks at the fallen Chocotuna and silently utters “Bench press kita diyan e!” and then leaves. Diva and Jokla looks at him. Jokla then gestures the “You can’t see me hand signal” on Chocotuna.

On the other side of the room, Tsong Michaels and El Chicano, The Ultimate Oportunista are talking. Chicano says ever since they have “moved on”, they have been smiling frequently. They are more focused in their careers and one day they will challenge each other for the championship. Tsong corrects Chicano telling the other that their struggle to reach the top will start now because in the Battle Royale, Tsong won’t hesitate in eliminating Chicano. They look at each other… then they shake hands.

Note: Character Rundowns: http://sydrified.blogspot.com/2009/08/1tuffskool-hardcore-chronicles.html


Match 1: A 10-man over the top Battle Royale for the right to fight in the Most Awesome Belt match.

Skinny Jeans and Happy Meal starts off the match. People are amazed at Happy Meal’s barf bag mask while Skinny Jeans is currently listening to Dashboard Confessional’s Stolen in his I-Pod. Minutes later, Mature Boy comes in at number 3. When he enters the ring, a set of girls wearing soccer jerseys erupted in glee. Then Chocotuna, looking really pissed and dazed, comes in at number 4. Fans admire his ability to quickly heal from devastating moves. G.I. Jokla heads the ring at number 5. Wearing a cap, he throws it at the fans and exclaims “Para sa inyo to, mga idol!” Then, Tsong Michaels arrives at the scene at number 6. Fighting at all sides commenced! Moments later, Tsong Michaels gives Jokla a superkick and quickly eliminates him. Then, Tsong Michaels throws and eliminates Skinny Jeans, who at that point was pulling his leg hair. Then Estong Cold enters at number 7, followed by Chicano at number 8 moments later. With the help from Chicano, Chocotuna eliminates Tsong. Tsong looks at Chicano pissed because he thought they were allies. Then Chicano eliminates Happy Meal. At number 9, Unmachoman enters. Then Chocotuna eliminates Estong Cold but afterwards Unmachoman throws Chocotuna out of the ring! The Great Pebbles is the last person to enter and the first thing he did was he eliminated Mature Boy! Pebbles and Chicano were basically teaming up to eliminate Unmachoman but the La Legende Killer is resilient. All of a sudden Unmachoman gets Chicano hanging on the ropes and with the help of Pebbles, Unmachoman eliminates Chicano!

Unmachoman was happy looking at Chicano from the outside of the ring. Then he realized that he is alone with Pebbles. Before he could escape, Pebbles held Unmachoman’s balls and throws him out of the ring.

Pebbles is the winner!


Chicano alongside Tsong is interviewed by Diva Tista. Chicano knows that the battle royale was every man for himself, but he thought Pebbles was his friend. Sure Pebbles tried kissing him once, but he still considers him as his friend! Chicano adds that joining Unmacho to eliminate him was treachery. Then Tsong points out the fact that Chicano joined Chocotuna in eliminating him.

Chicano said he didn’t know that it was him. Tsong quizzically looks at him and says “Riiiiiight”.

Then Ayatollah w/ G.I. Jokla and Oracle enters. Ayatollah exclaims the fact that Chicano and Tsong are talking. Chicano calls her a “bitch” while Tsong starts crying… reminiscing the dates they once had. Ayatollah tells the two to watch how she destroys Jazz Hardly and with Diva, they exit.


Match 2: Ayatollah (with the Pretty Mean Street Posse) versus Jazz Hardly (with Mann Hardly)

Ayatollah pins Jazz when G.I. Jokla held Jazz’s feet when she was about to kick out. Mann Hardly tells the ref to restart the match. Jazz wins via swanton bomb.


Backstage, Ayatollah and the PMS Posse enter with Ayatollah checking her head. She then sees Chicano and Tsong grinning at her. She shrieks and storms out.

Meanwhile, Estong Cold tells Unmachoman that he has his back although he will not hesitate to leave him if he sees Chocotuna loitering around. Unmachoman hates the match because it means Pebbles will try to grope his body. Estong stops, then thinks and tells Unmachoman that he will wait at the back. Unmachoman storms off dejected.


Match 3: For the Most Awesome Belt – The Great Pebbles versus Unmachoman (Inferno Match)

Pebbles used his mind tricks against Unmachoman but Unmacho got a string of awesome moves to dispel Pebbles. This was the point where Unmachoman gives Pebbles a RKO. Unmachoman gets Pebbles bloodied but when he was going to drag him to the fire, he noticed that Pebbles is extremely heavy! Unmachoman couldn’t lift him and he tried to calculate how he’ll put Pebbles to the fire but by this time Pebbles has recovered. Pebbles grabbed Unmachoman’s balls and he roasted it on the fire!

Pebbles win!


Pebbles celebrate in his win as Unmachoman seethes in envy… as he gropes his balls.

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK!

4 comments:

  1. teka what? ang bano naman ng storyline na to. bat natalo agad si chocotuna, the most electrifying man in sports entertainment?!?!?!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ganyan talaga... ang mga bida sa simula natatalo. parang si jestoni alarcon...

    ian veneracion...

    tintoy...

    basta... at least nga nakaganti ka pa nga e!

    gawa mo ako title card? :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. pucha mga b-list bida naman un e

    ReplyDelete
  4. yun na nga e! isipin mo kung gaano kabilis ang rise to fame mo noon!

    ReplyDelete