The Spy Next Door: The Review

When I was about to get my GF out of her work, the bus I rode was playing Jackie Chan’s awesome epic “Drunken Master” so picking The Spy Next Door was better than picking The Rebound.

Hell, both movies are about a babysitter who wants to be part of the family!

What could go wrong?

Apparently, when the best actor of the movie is the guy that sang “Acky, Breaky Heart”... things don’t look good for your film!

What I like: I didn’t see Shinjuku Incident but that’s just because there were better, big-budgeted movies then. I hate the rumors that Jackie Chan has stopped working over American soil because given the right role, he can do wonders with his work.

This could be the Karate Kid movie… but certainly not this flick.

What I hate: First of all, this movie is not funny. I really hate that Jackie Chan don’t do all the stunts but making him go to situations where people really see that JACKIE CHAN IS NOT THE GUY DOING THE STUNTS IS A F’N CRIME (the bike scene was a BMX rider wearing a bad black wig)! The other thing, the kids and Amber Valetta are weak actors to pair with Jackie Chan. No one can counter his thick Chinese accent. Chris Tucker, Owen Wilson, Lucy Liu, and other big names that can make the scenes glossy weren’t here to make it as such. The well-known stars of the movie – George Lopez and Billy Ray Cyrus (haha) appeared sporadically. Anyway when Billy Ray revealed earlier in the movie that there was a bad agent, I absolutely thought it was either of the two well-known stars. Yeah... it was that damn predictable. And I know this is a family movie so the jokes need to be lame and tame but the kids are so annoying (especially the boy), the bad guys are really dumb, and there is nothing cool about this movie to even brag about.

EVEN Jackie Chan’s bloopers aren’t really that funny.

Damn it, if I knew this flick would suck, I would have watched The Rebound or that Gaybreaker flick!

I meant Daybreaker.


I just don’t want to let Cindy hear my girlish screams watching that horror flick.

I saw a documentary in the History Channel about how Americans freak out when an Asian actor attempts to be romantic. Yes, stereotyping happened anew in this film where Chan had to act all nerdy. However, fans might find Jackie Chan kissing a lady romantically icky (he did it here twice). While I have seen Jackie Chan kiss in the movies, it wasn’t THIS disturbing. No, it’s not because he was dressed like an era behind the actual era because even when he looked cool it was still icky because it seems that he and Amber had zero chemistry.

Let Jackie kiss but in a cute manner. I can see him getting paired with the more established stars in an a la “hero saves a damsel in distress” type of movie opposite Hollywood’s elite.

It makes me think that the only way Hollywood can use Jacky properly is for them to make another buddy movie a la Rush Hour.

And perhaps the biggest rant I could give in this movie is the VERY HORRIBLE SOUND DIRECTION! It seems like the guy doing the sound work for Lizzie Maguire and those tweener shows was the one doing this. A Jackie Chan movie doesn’t bouncy sound effects and very ridiculous music to let the viewers know what he’ll do here! Also, the editor of the flick should slap the head of the director for making him to those unnecessary transitions and speed ups. Crazy as it may sound, but the flick could actually look like a big-budgeted Hong Kong movie and not like a straight-to-DVD flick had they moved away of the awful sound direction.

The Verdict: The only thing good about the movie is that you can have cutesy moments with your significant other as you exchange whispers on how stupid this movie is. The sentence “I enjoyed the movie because of Billy Ray Cyrus” shouldn’t come out of any mouth... ever!

Well it could... I am sorry Acky Breaky dude, but I expect a Jackie Chan flick to rock and sadly the poor product gave Jackie zero possibility of making it awesome.

I hope Will Smith’s kid can be a better partner for Jackie as he turns Mr. Miyagi as The Karate Kid comes to the screens later in the year.

Until then... GAME OVER!


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