The Expendables: The Review

Studies show that watching The Expendables inside a cinema house can cause females to get impregnated because of the massive testosterone overload induced by the flick!

Whoever said that... is wrong.

The gore of the fight scenes were enough to piss my GF off!

But damn... it was freakin’ awesome (Warning: Spoilers inside)!

Eternal fuckdom has reigned upon the spawns of evil from the make believe country of Vilena! The story was so basic but it was enough to drive men abused by romantic comedies to awesomeness!

I never saw the other Twilight instalments. I saw the first one but Cindy and I agreed that the film sucked and we will never spend money on that crap again. However, Cindy hated The Expendables. It featured too much unnecessary nauseating scenes that she was covering her face most of the time... just like every woman inside that cinema house. In the middle of the movie I spotted a woman and a kid leaving. I then saw a couple moving out. When we got out of the cinema house, there were a lot of many disgruntled girlfriends... and a lot of happy men.

Had I known that this would be a gag reflex for prim and proper chicks, I would have watched this flick with my friends! But inside the cinema house, every man who loved to see Dolph Lundgren kick around Jet Li’s little ass was committed to enjoy the movie and to pay for it when the movie ends!

This was a refreshing move from all the big budget flicks that wanted to delight audiences with both story and visual flurry.

Admittedly, this was a trainwreck. But it was a trainwreck you love to be in. The story was about a group of mercenaries that grew a conscience. The laughs the film produced were basically corny or self-induced one-liners about their counterparts. It was as if they have a code that only action stars will ever connect with. One that stood out was when Sly dissed Arnold when Stallone told Willis that Arnold is pissed because he wanted to become the president of America. This was like ECW: One Night Stand. Sure, the wrestlers we loved to see have become older and less agile and less athletic and pretty much on their last chance of glory, but for nostalgia alone, we braced the worse... for something awesome.

I was hoping to count cameos and for some reason, the film “lacked” star power. Action stars alone, I could have loved if action movie legends Chuck Norris, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Steven Seagal, Wesley Snipes, Don Johnson, Pierce Brosnan, and Clint Eastwood would appear as well as 80’s and 90’s stars like Jean Claude Van Damme, Michael Dudikoff, Rutger Hauer, Mr. T, Mario van Peebles, and Marc Dacascos because that would make this flick awesome. I am not too thrilled on Terry Crews because all I know is he is a former football player that plays fake Chris Rock’s dad in Everybody Hates Chris. If they wanted comedy they could just employed the Hong Kong Trio and that would be cool (although why would they need Jackie Chan, Sammo Hung, and Yuen Biao for when they already have Jet Li. Still, that would be a better comic relief). Hell, even Chris Tucker, The Rock, Billy Dee Williams, Eddie Murphy, Samuel L. Jackson, or Michael Winslow (the guy doing sounds in the Police Academy movies) could do the trick! I never had trouble with Eric Roberts playing the head bad guy (although he’s been doing support roles that his luster has faded) but perhaps a gangsta-type high-caliber actor a la James Caan, Nicolas Cage, Timothy Dalton, and John Travolta could be a grander bad guy.

I would have hoped if there was a scene where Sly and Arnold would share backhanded comments in the end. Again, I hate the fact that Arnold and Bruce Willis are just in one scene.

The Expendables is film that needs star power. The audience will never care about the story but they’ll drool to watch all of their favourite action stars in one film. I loved the scene where Arnold and Sylvester Stallone were trash-talking each other in front of Bruce Willis. I would have loved Jason Statham if his character was more desperate like he was in Crank or more stoic when he was in The Transporter. I thought Mickey Rourke did a good job in giving the movie some much needed "acting prowess". I marked out when I saw Dolph Lundgren because I felt he was one of the important action stars from that era that needs to be re-introduced to this generation. I totally marked out his strong style going up against Jet Li’s quick and swift approach.

But the film’s mark-out-moment came when MMA met Pro Wrestling. I was shocked and disappointed when I saw Steve Austin as Eric Roberts’ chief henchman but then I saw this was needed for this to happen. Austin’s movies had subpar success with pure action movies taking a backseat to computer-generated movies but in TV-land, Stone Cold Steve Austin is the toughest SOB in the planet. Randy Couture is also a legend but in MMA, particularly inside the UFC octagon but he hasn’t been tested in the big screen. When Stallone and Austin fought, I hated it because I thought Austin would be the one to kill Stone Cold.

Especially when Stallone placed Austin on an armbar... I was wincing in my seat rightfully pissed!

However, when Austin escaped and was about to flee when Couture jumped him, I was giddy. It was these two guys inside a ring of fire, battling each other. They brawled and gave each other takedowns and holds that made me giggle in glee. Entertainment blurred the lines that was last seen when Ken Shamrock, Tank Abbott, Dan Severn, and Tito Ortiz were trying for spots in the WWE, WCW, and TNA and when Brock Lesnar, Bill Goldberg, and Bobby Lashley moved to the MMA (No, I will not say anything about Batista’s apparent MMA debut).

In all, it was this year’s ultimate machofest. For every guy that was dragged to their seat to watch Team Edward and Team Jacob rob their masculinity, this was their moment! I would like to watch its sequel and hopefully the wait wouldn’t be that long. Maybe this would help the other action stars from the yesteryears to join this spectacle. I hope Lundgren will have a bigger role in the climax. I like his demented look character and I hope he was the one popping those missiles instead of Terry Crews.

I also want to see a certain British secret agent making a cameo because this would bring a diverse look in the action genre.

Anyway, when the sequel hits, I’m bringing my friends.

Game over!


  1. About the star power, that's why they are making the Expendables 2. They have to keep some for the sequel. :P

    So that's mean I'm not a female coz I love the Expendables? There are still lots of gals out there that love action and bloody movie! :)

  2. it wasn't the action that isn't girl-friendly but the gore.

    it was really fun for me and the other men inside the moviehouse. yeah, i may be generalizing but as i observed from where i was (and also basing it to real-life experience) that was the case.

    if they are making a sequel well that's good. i hope they make up for their lack of star value.

    (by the way I forgot to mention antonio banderas. hopefully when he gets called, he'll reprise an "El Mariachi" character)