Joey Ryan is not going to be a serious heavyweight champion.

If WWE wants to make the 24/7 Championship a viable one, I think they need to sign the Master of the Dong Style.

So Joey Ryan is a comedy wrestler. He likes to battle women via inter-gender matches and his signature moves consist of the Boob Flex – a German suplex with theatrics on a chick’s chest area and the Penis Flex – a move in which he forces his opponents to touch his dick in order for him to flip them.

These two moves are the main reasons why WWE should delve into their bank accounts to sign this guy.

As for his opponents, here are my five best answers.


I know the last thing Roode needs at the moment is another comedy feud but if he’s going to keep that mustache, then why not fight a mustache versus mustache match. As far as gimmicks go, his upper lip hair will lead him nowhere. This is why he needs to take it off and what better way to build something from this than having Ryan come in, mock his mustache and see if the crowd would eat the absurd match.


If WWE is going to push Ryan as a strong comedy character like how Santino was booked in the early stages of his heel turn, then WWE should make his finisher over with the crowd. The problem with a lot of indie stars in the fed is that they are fan favorites with absurd win percentages. Sami Zayn’s Blue Thunder Bomb looks better than the Helluva Kick. Roode’s spinebuster looks far crisper than his Glorious DDT. And while people like to mess with the midcard vortex of Baron Corbin, his Deep Six signature move as well as his End of Days finisher are better and a lot more recognizable than most finishers in the WWE. So what better way to push the Penis Flex to the WWE Universe than having three flippy dudes flip at the same time while holding Joey Ryan’s Dong?


Johnny Gargano may be Candice LeRae’s husband but Joey Ryan could be her ticket to the top. The Mixed Match Challenge is a tourney held in a non-major network platform. This means there is more freedom for his antics. Rusev and Lana, as well as Jinder Mahal and Alicia Fox, are a couple of tag teams that have exploited this avenue. Like I said, the appeal of Joey Ryan comes from his shenanigans and he will thrive under the watchful eye of cable as well as WWE’s online arm.


Speaking of flippy dudes, the 24/7 belt will give Joey Ryan a lot of avenues to shine. Let’s just assume that he signed up in the current WWE scenario. We see R-Truth running away from the rest of the roster and then out of nowhere he falls down and as he stands up, we see a wrestling boot in front of him. And then as the camera tilt, we get to see Joey Ryan’s name in the trunks complete with his signature jacket, shades, and lollipop. Ryan would then shove the lollipop to R-Truth’s mouth and then he would unleash the devastating Penis Flex to win the 24/7 Championship. At first, the wrestlers would attempt to ambush Ryan but seeing how they always fall to the Penis Flex (hereby touching Ryan’s dong in the process), they just dial down on the championship scramble. It’s a nice change of pace for the title and heck, they could even change the design of the belt.


I guess here’s the most important thing about signing a guy like Joey Ryan. Yes, he is a comedy act. But hey, he’s a comedy MIDCARD act. I know he cannot do the Penis Flex all the time but maybe he can do sleazy versions of other people’s taunts and finishers. Ryan can happily apply The Accolade on Rusev where his balls touch The Bulgarian Brute’s back. He can do Shinsuke Nakamura’s “come on” taunt with his tongue waggling like a maniac. He can even do cringe-worthy theatrics when performing the triangle choke. Fans hate the idea of having the likes of Finn Balor, Samoa Joe, Cesaro, Shinsuke Nakamura, and other indie darlings in the realm of midcard hell but it would be difficult for them to thrive all at once. Ryan is a midcard wunderkind and he’ll gladly eat the pins of the aforementioned guys when given the chance.

But I feel like I’m cheating you for batching up the entire midcard scene.

So let’s have at least two examples.


One counter to Woken Matt Hardy’s insane persona is another insane persona. I mean… what if Joey Ryan does his Penis Flex to Senor Benjamin? Or worse… King Maxel? This feud could resemble an Austin Powers versus Dr. Evil feud. People will not watch this because of the great wrestling action but it would be a sports entertainment spectacle.


When Nia Jax returns from injury and she’s still a danger to a lot of women wrestlers, maybe a feud with Joey Ryan could do the trick. Nia could harass Candice LeRae and then have Ryan… do his shit. Ryan is not going to serve as savior but rather some dude that digs these types of predicament.

Anyway, the reason why guys like Adam Rose, No Way Jose, and other comedy acts fail is because they are not invested with the opportunity. Joey Ryan can do this with gusto. And it’s not like he’s bound to the midcard scene because when he hits the right buttons, he could become the next big comedy act a la New Day. I mean, whoever though Kofi Kingston would end up as champion by riding a comedy act?

But this is if given his age… and the possibility of going to WWE and not to All Elite Wrestling (AEW)… could turn into reality. 



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